Inspired by a fellow blogger, I’m doing a list of things that I did this week again. Here goes.
-Volunteered at the children’s organization
– Went to a 4th of July Red’s game
– Went to therapy
– Procurred a cat backpack
– Went to an exercise class
– Slept an entire day (not a good thing)
– Tried CrossFit
– Went rock climbing
I plan to go hiking tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I feel like I haven’t really done anything with my life. This was spurred by a conversation with someone at the children’s organization that I’ve been volunteering for. I had stated that I was volunteering because I couldn’t figure out what to do with my English degree. I said this because I didn’t want to explain that I’m not working because of my poor mental health. I didn’t think that would go over well. Anyway, she started in on the things you could do with an English degree and whether I had enough credits to teach. Clearly, I am doing none of these things. I decided a while ago that I don’t want to teach. She also mentioned copy editing, which would probably involve an office environment that I couldn’t handle. I could get my Master’s in English, but I don’t want to teach college either. What other use could I have for that degree? I know there are some, but it feels like they don’t apply to me. I miss working, but I don’t think I can handle it right now. Why am I always in a state of unrest? Why can’t I just lean into volunteering and enjoy it? Why do I have to tie it into my angst about a lack of a career? And that starts me thinking about whether I should start trying to really write and submit poetry instead of just throwing my jumbled thoughts on here. Or take GRE. But that’s a hard field to get into, and a tough test to take. I guess my question is why am I never satisfied with the ways things are. Why do I always feel a drive for more? Is that good or bad?
A poem about a dinosaur skeleton on display at Rhinegeist Brewery in Cincinnati, courtesy of the Cincinnati Museum Center.
Neck pieces fit together like train cars.
Invisible, round stomach
hanging there in bone.
Segments rattle down through the tail –
chink, chink, chink.
Head turned just so.
What are her bones looking toward?
Thick joints at the tops of the legs.
Little spikes, like fingers dangling, on the underside of the tail.
If you could touch her, would she sway with your hand? Or would her invisible scales pull up in rage?
You can see the gaps between the knees.
That’s how you know she’s not whole.
Things I’ve Done This Week
-Rested up from vacation
-Gone to 2 exercise classes at my old gym
-Finished Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown
-Started The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily Danforth
-Saw my psychiatrist
-Saw my therapist
-Quit volunteering at a hospital because I didn’t feel it was the right fit for me
-Called about a volunteer opportunity at the library
-Gone to the doctor
Today I quit my volunteer position at the local hospital. It was only my second time, but I felt it was time to put the brakes on it. They really didn’t have much for me to do in this position, so I felt bored. I felt like I could be having quality experiences elsewhere. Not to mention, I had felt kind of funny volunteering for this particular hospital. They have not been mentioned in a flattering light in the news lately. I just felt that I would be better suited elsewhere. So I quit. Later, I called about a volunteer application that I had put in at the library. They said they’ll get back to me. I have a few ideas for if that doesn’t work too. I also still have volunteering at the children’s organization as well. I’m still on for that next week. I didn’t quit that one.
I feel a little let down about quitting, but I have a rule in my life now that goes “If something isn’t working, stop doing it.” I want to get the most out of my life and my experiences. If something isn’t working, then I want to move on. I deserve experiences where my skills will be utilized. If I’m bored, then I’m probably not in the right place. So that’s where I am right now with volunteer work.
A text I sent to someone today:
“I know my festering boredom is not important. There are important things like the things you deal with at work out there in the big world. I know so many people are hurting and need things. I should be grateful to have a roof over my head, food to eat, and medical care. I am grateful. But somehow I can’t stop wishing that there were something more out there for me.”
I feel like I’m trying but failing. I know I need to give myself time to get settled into volunteer work after vacation and to get settled into the exercise classes I’m trying again. I need to get a routine. But sometimes I’m so impatient that I don’t give myself time to settle into things before giving in to feelings of restlessness. Then I over commit myself and have to drop things. I’m trying not to do that, but it would be nice to feel like I have a purpose. I don’t want to be just another bored mental health patient complaining, but I am. I feel like there has to be a purpose out there for me. Will I ever find it? I don’t want to be zoned out through life, and so much of the time, as a mental health patient, that’s what happens. I want more. I want more from life than it’s taking or than I’m giving. Please excuse my rant. I’m very discontent right now, as the title states.
Well, that lasted one day. I was up at 6am and the next day I slept until 11. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to do this so soon after vacation. Or maybe I need a more happy medium for a time to get up. Maybe 7am or 8am instead of 6am. I’m playing around with it. Today I think I got up somewhere around the range of 10 or 11. Maybe I just really need to catch up after vacation. I did for the last vacation. I plan to get up around 7 or 8 tomorrow to go to another exercise class. We’ll see. I guess you learn from failure.