Hints in Books (Realizing Sexuality)

These are some books with lesbian themes that I remember reading when I was a teenager, and even much younger.

I like the sense of connection and self discovery in these books. I think some of them are a bit outdated. Here goes.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1727105.I_ve_Known_Since_I_Was_Eight
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/357625.Dare_Truth_or_Promise
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/270367.Kissing_Kate
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/316445.Luna
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5982436-rage
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/595375.Annie_on_My_Mind

I first had a hint about my sexuality through reading. I don’t remember how old I was. I know I was young. I was skimming through a book (I can’t remember the title of that one). There was this intense, warm connection between two girls (or maybe it was just one girl for another). I don’t know if my mouth actually opened to let my jaw drop, but it was definitely one of those mental-jaw-drop moments. I thought to myself, “I want THAT.” But I also thought that couldn’t possibly be me and that if I said anything about it, I would be lying. I couldn’t comprehend.

Have you ever known things on two separate wave lengths that don’t ever cross?
I did things that should have indicated to me that I was gay, but I just couldn’t process it. I hid lesbian love stories at home. I snuck The L Word in too, and secretly watched it on the computer in my room. My heart was pounding when I checked it out from the library.

I idolized my teachers. I think it’s because it was a safe zone to have a crush. It was always on a separate wavelength though. I KNEW the things I did. I did them on purpose. I painstakingly painted a picture of one of my middle school teachers. Before I fell asleep at night, I would think about what it would be like to be her friend and pine that it wasn’t an option. I dressed up to go to lessons with my flute teacher and had thoughts about her leaving her husband for me. These thoughts were processed on an entirely different wavelength. I do not remember acknowledging them having anything to do with being gay. I could not even process anything remotely like that.

It’s not that I was ashamed, it was just a complete inability to comprehend.

It frustrates me to no end that I can’t explain what that was like to people in a way that they can understand.

I’ll leave you links from Autostraddle and Goodreads (Lesbian Teen Fiction) because they have more comprehensive lists than I do.

Autostraddle

https://www.autostraddle.com/20-best-teen-novels-for-queer-girls-143198/

Goodreads Lesbian Teen Fiction

http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/16326.Lesbian_teen_fiction

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